A Both-And Kinda Day

One of my friends loves to use the term “both-and” to help overcome the difficulties that extremes or black and white language can portray. Instead of “either-or” talking/thinking, she often uses (and encourages me to use), both-and language, so that emotional tensions and realities are held together and so that the full range of feelings and experiences are all validated insead of cancelling each other out. So when feelings exist that seem to contradict each other, when irrational fears or frustrations seem silly in the light of well-reasoned answers from another part of my brain, I often find vocalizing the both-and aspects very helpful.    

Yesterday was definitely a both-and kinda day. I BOTH loved hanging out with my five-week-old daughter and spending hours with thoughts like “wow, her cheeks are getting chubby” – AND – I wanted desperately to have back my old (pre-baby) life where I could check email and sleep and leave the house and make plans and just ‘be’ whenever/whatever I wanted to.  I BOTH felt isolated and sick of being in our apartment with just a baby to talk to all day – AND – I felt relieved to have the space and time to nest away from others and not have to shower or have to perform in any sort of ‘public’ role. I BOTH relished that I could savor the small moments of my day, like laughing at Eva as she made sleep grins and blew milk bubbles and squirmed into funny contortions in her crib, and having her fall asleep on me and clutch my finger – AND – I wished that I could hook my thoughts onto larger patterns that were once actively part of my days, like writing my dissertation, finishing work projects, consulting on new ministries (heck, just making plans for the weekend would qualify as a larger thought right now!) I felt BOTH frustrated and tired out and unsure if I entirely like the role I have to be in right now – AND – I was very aware that these ups and downs are pretty normal feelings for the stage I am in right now and that many of my hopes and needs will naturally come together and be met with a bit more time.  I am BOTH itching to fast forward this stage, to have more sleep, to have more time with Peter again, to know what Eva will be like as a person and not just a totally dependant sleeper/screamer/eater – AND – I don’t want to lose a second of this time that is purely focused on getting to know her and getting used to all the newness that being a family of three brings with it. 

So – here is to embracing tensions, trying to live into all of life, and living into the questions – not just waiting for the answers and the resolutions.