Why I Did All This School

Today we had the rehearsal for my commencement from GETS that will take place this weekend. Walking into the historic and beautifully ornate chapel where the ceremony happens, taking our turns walking onto the massive wooden stage, and trying on my very own cap, gown and hood brought the reality of this whole educational experience to the forefront.

I am graduating. For real. I am done with my eight years of Ph.D. studies. I have completed the classes, language studies, papers, readings, discussions, proposals, exams, quizzes, etc. etc. – I even defended my dissertation. Well. I’ve TA’d in several graduate class, and have even taught an undergrad course twice now. I am – honestly and legitimately – fulfilling this stage of academic preparation, critique, and study. I did it, something that I considered doing and dreamed of doing for – well, a decade or so. Something that I honestly wasn’t sure I could do at various points along this journey.

If I sound incredulous about this milestone, it is because I am. I can’t really believe it most days. And between the mental tiredness post-dissertation, and the fuzziness of still being on the job hunt and having regular life rush by me, there are days I stop and wonder, did I really do this? Am I really – done? Which is often followed by – okay, even if this is for real, what do I do now?

It makes me think back to why I considered this degree in the first place. How I listened to wise people like Burton Nelson who explained that I would love this place, and learn a lot, and could contribute to ethics and to the church. How I jumped into my classes with so many ideas and opinions, was hungry to learn and discuss, had a lot of confidence in my positions and papers. How then I slowly adapted my opinions, integrated complexities and newness into my comfortable stances, and added healthy doses of uncertainty, worry, feeling overwhelmed and under-qualified. And how I was always, always, motivated and sustained in this academic land by my work in actual churches, by ministry in the city and with practitioners who also loved the church and loved God’s huge dreams for its purpose. I did all this school, ultimately, because I love the church, flaws and gaping holes and all, and I have found my home and my family in the church. I did all this school so that I can keep building and serving, and being served by, the church, and so that the rest of the world can see the church at its best and as God intends. I did all this school out of love, really. (And maybe an over-developed drive to achieve. :)) Being done with this chapter of school in many ways does not change my drive to affect the church, my hopes for it to be at its best, my frustration at its failures, and my motivations for doing ministry. It does substantially change my time, and hopefully will also open up some new spaces and ways I can do ministry. But at some level, I did all this school, and will keep doing whatever I do, for the same simple reasons. Sometimes simple is better.

Eva (my two year old), is very excited about me being done with school. At least, as much as she understands what we are celebrating this Friday, she seems very excited. She came with me for the first time to campus two weeks ago while I had to pay my last tuition bill and drop off a copy of a paper. As I guided her down the marble hallway and explained that we were at momma’s school, she looked up at me with big eyes and asked if she should use her quiet voice in here. I smiled – yep, you guessed right girl. Tall ceilings and echoing halls and lots of adults means quiet voices for small children. We paid my bill while she charmed the cashier and got a piece of candy. I stopped by a professor’s office to drop off something and she repeated over and over that the guy wasn’t here, we had to leave the paper, would the paper be okay? Then I showed her the lake on the east side of the campus that I loved to walk by – we even spotted ducks and geese, to her glee – and we ended with my ritual walk through the Shakespeare and prayer gardens.

We were maybe on campus for one hour, total. Not only was Eva very sad when we had to leave this fun new destination, I was unprepared for how much it meant for me to walk around my campus with Eva in tow. While I was giving my kiddo the tour, it hit me that all the hours I spent here, all the days holed up in my favorite carrel in the library, all my walks around the gardens and along the lake path, the hours in the bookstore, sitting in well-visited classrooms with clanking heaters in the winter and humid sticky chairs in the summer – they had passed. These spaces did not boundary my life anymore, instead this little girl marks my days.

And it was so fitting, so good and fulfilling, to walk around my school with her and explain, using two-year-old logic, what I had done at that place for so many years. Why I went to school to learn more about God, and how Jesus loves us, and about the church. Why I loved the pretty windows with their stone arches, and why I visited the garden every time I was on campus. Why there was organ music floating down the hallway, and why there were books everywhere. Eva nodded as I explained my school, asking questions, repeating some things. I walked slower with her then I used to walk on my own. I noticed stairs, mud, fast bikes whizzing by and bird droppings all as potential hazards with my new mommy-vision. I explained where we were going, what to look forward to, and what happened on this campus with different language then I had ever even thought for myself before. Here is where we read books, here is where we eat, here is where teachers work and teach us in classes, this is the lake where you can take a break and learn while you’re outside. Explaining theology for a two year old is difficult, but also really fun, I’ve decided.

When I talked about how at school I learned about Jesus, and how much he loves us and the whole world. she started to sing. “Jesus Loves Me this I know…” came her sing-songy little girl voice. And that’s when I started to tear up. I think she understood why I went to school perfectly.